That gives me the pip...

enough. really. i am full with my "dads" depravity.


this story begins when is was 5. my real father and mum divorced, because dad  fob my mum. then I was really lonely, I can remember that I hated the whole world, wanted my father back and was crying days long. after 2 weeks my mum and my stepdad got together. then I was happy, because I felt that I have two daddies, yay, so cool. well, it WAS cool then, not in the past few years.

since I begun highschool, everything changed. my stepdad was rude with me, he said - and sais till today - awful things to me, what were - and are - really hurtful. It was egal, what I did or not did, I was the worst kid of this world, who does nothing at home, who is lying in every single minute, who is the blablabla...you can imagine except of blablabla everything. really. EVERYTHING.


I hated to go with my parents to visit friends, because the main theme of every one was me. me, the crappiest thing - yes, he was speaking about me like a THING - on this planet, who deserves nothing. who cannot do right things, only bad ones. I did everything, what my mum and he said to me. doing housework, feeding our dogs, cooking with my mum. but it was not enough for him. he wanted more and more, if something broke down, I was the one who made that. the "funny" thing in this was, that when he realized that I did nothing bad, he was not able to say sorry. NEVER. I was crying every day, and for that I was a bad person again. why am i a martyr...and my mum, whom I love the most in this fucking planet did NOTHING. she was only a listener, acted like an exterior person, who cannot hear and see.it was worse day by day, week by week, month by month.


because my parents separated, I was only able to see my real dad on every second weekend. that hurt me a lot, I was always crying, when I had to leave his home and come back to mum. I had nothing wrong with mum, but the first things what my stepdad said to me were like:


"how is your forsaken dad?"
"your dad is the worst thing on the planet."
"go back, I want to be in a peace."


at this time I was 18 years old and still not have something, what is called freedom. I was living from day to day, had always bad thoughts about being home, had lots of fights...oh, and the other thing, what is a problem for my stepdad is, that I am not as flimsy as my mum. I cannot to a thing against this, because my real father is 197 tall and weights 110 kilograms. well, me is 179 tall and you-won't-know kilograms. i was doing diets, did lots of sports from football to volleyball, have not eaten, counted calories, etc, but nothing was a loophole for me. and this is from where my "I am fat and look like a whale" thing flows. stepfather always said things like this:


"you are fat"
"you look like a pig"
"there is not a boy on the planet who wants to be with you"
"look in the mirror, you look like an idiot"


so I was full, could not accept more aspersion and moved to my father. this was the first big choice in my life. but after a year I was so missing mum, my sister and my dogs that I moved back. from that time my real dad and I were diverged from the other, because he felt that I betrayed him. now he has an other family with a little baby, hope they are doing fine.


so, back to my father in law. when I moved back, he was laughing at me and was repulsiveness. the fights begun again, mum did nothing and my sister was 5 and a half years old (still 6). I really love my little sister, but you know the typical script:


"she is my daughter, she becomes everything. you are only the second one."


yeah. every day I had to listen to this, it was never enough. mum - what do you think will come now? - did nothing as ever, I was the worst person again. visited a psychologist these times, who said that the problem itself comes from my psych, what my stepdad ruined down in years and doing this right now too. i had to believe this, i have not seen that so called way-out from this shit, so just lived with it. and where were my friends? well, they have seen how my stepfather is acting whit me and whit them when they visited me: he was playing like the coolest guy on the planet, encausted me before my friends, so they were not coming after a period. I was the one who visited them several times, but sadly they were not coming over. I think that I can apprehend them.


I became an introverted person and I think that some proper of that estate are still chasing me. well, the biggest one is that my internet friends are knowing me better than my own parents. and that is rascally, isn't it? IT IS.


I am here with my 20 years and still not the person I want to be. I want to move out from here, pull up my stakes and go away. this is not life.... and if i will hear from a child again, that she/he hates living at home, but her/his parents are not separated, then I will say: you are a fail. because having a normal family is way better than mine. yeah, we have a huge and beautiful house, with a great garden, dogs, cats, everything, what looks like totally normal. but you cannot see inside the walls.


I feel like 15 years ago: crying like a little child, feeling lonely. and this is really, really bad. and we stop and stare, but I think I am moving, but I go nowhere....
.

p.s: Florian, I love you~